Neutral version

 

Re-education model of violent versus non-violent behaviour


(‘Gender-neutral’ version: all participants)

Control and abuse (destructive)

 

Equality (constructive)

Using coercion and threats
  • using physical assaults against anyone - including any hit or slap
  • making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt others
  • threatening to leave others, to commit suicide, to report others to welfare or other external authorities
  • making others drop charges
  • making others do illegal things
Negotiation and fairness
  • seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
  • accepting change
  • being willing to compromise
Using intimidation
  • making others afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
  • smashing things
  • destroying others' property
  • abusing pets or other animals
  • displaying weapons (such as knives)
Non-threatening behaviour
  • talking and acting so that both self and others feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves and doing things
Using economic abuse
  • preventing others from getting or keeping a job
  • making others ask for money
  • giving others a restricted or conditional 'allowance'
  • taking others’ money (including using others as 'providers')
  • not letting family others know about or have access to family income
Economic partnership
  • making money decisions together
  • making sure both others and self benefit from financial arrangements
Using emotional abuse
  • putting others down
  • making others feel bad about themselves
  • calling others names
  • making others think they’re crazy
  • playing mind-games
  • humiliating others
  • attempting to control others' feelings
  • forcing others to control or deny what they feel
  • making others feel guilty
Respect
  • listening to others non-judgmentally
  • being emotionally affirming and understanding, both of self and others
  • valuing opinions of both self and others
Using sexuality
  • acting as the 'owner' of others' sexuality
  • ignoring or overriding others' sexual choices, feelings or fears
  • denying or mocking others' sexuality
  • promising or withholding sex to control or punish others
  • blaming others for sexual miscommunication
  • using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
  • assigning to others the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
  • misleading others about sexual safety and birth-control
Sexual respect and trust
  • respecting each others' sexuality as real and natural
  • being open and honest with each other about sexual needs, desires, feelings and fears
  • being responsible with each other about safe sex and birth-control
  • negotiating mutually appropriate types and levels of sexual relationship
Using gender privilege and social privilege
  • treating others like servants
  • excluding others from making decisions that concern them ('making all the big decisions')
  • acting like the ‘owner’ of others -- assuming ‘authority’ from social stereotypes
  • being the one to define male and female roles, or other social or familial roles
Shared responsibility
  • mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
  • making family decisions and other social decisions together
Using isolation
  • controlling what others do, who they see and talk to, what they read, where they go
  • limiting others’ outside involvement
  • using jealousy or envy to justify actions against others
Trust and support
  • supporting both self and others’ goals in life
  • respecting self and others’ right to their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
Using children
  • making others feel guilty about their children
  • using the children to relay messages
  • using visitation to harass others
  • threatening to take the children away
Responsible parenting
  • sharing parental responsibilities
  • being a positive non-violent role model for children
Using others (third-party abuse)
  • spreading rumours about others
  • misinforming third-parties (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about others' life or actions
  • denigrating others' natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
  • using stories to justify actions against others
Social self-responsibility
  • being aware and honest with each other
  • sharing social respect and social responsibility
  • creating trust with others and with the wider community
  • respecting each others' history, background and humanity
Minimising, denying and blaming
  • making light of the abuse and not taking others’ concerns about it seriously
  • saying the abuse didn’t happen
  • shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
  • saying others caused it
Honesty and accountability
  • accepting responsibility for self, and about others
  • acknowledging past use of violence and abuse
  • admitting being wrong
  • communicating openly and truthfully

Use the left-hand column of this table to explore and assess abusive and/or violent behaviours within society as a whole, and your own response to abusive and/or violent behaviours by others. As you do so, consider what changes would be needed in social behaviour to create the self-assertive and non-violent responses described in the respective section of the right-hand column.

Note: this table should only be used as a tool to assess interactions within society in general. It should never be used as a means to criticise individuals' behaviour, especially that of others: to do so would be 'Minimising, denying and blaming', which - as described above - is an explicit act of abuse.