Combined version

 

Re-education model of violent versus non-violent behaviour


(Combined version: males and females, heterosexual or homosexual)

Control and abuse (destructive)
Violence towards females
 Equality (constructive)
Non-violence
 Control and abuse (destructive)
Violence towards males
Using coercion and threats
  • using physical assault against her - including any hit or slap
  • making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
  • threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare
  • making her drop charges
  • making her do illegal things
Negotiation and fairness
  • seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
  • accepting change
  • being willing to compromise
Using coercion and threats
  • using physical assault against him - including any hit or slap
  • making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt him
  • threatening to leave him, to commit suicide, to report him to welfare
  • making him drop charges
  • making him do illegal things
Using intimidation
  • making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
  • smashing things
  • destroying her property
  • abusing her pets or other animals
  • displaying weapons (such as knives)
Non-threatening behaviour
  • talking and acting so that both of you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourselves and doing things
Using intimidation
  • making him afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
  • smashing things
  • destroying his property
  • abusing his pets or other animals
  • displaying weapons (such as knives)
  • Using economic abuse
    • preventing her from getting or keeping a job
    • making her ask for money
    • giving her a restricted or conditional 'allowance'
    • taking her money (including using her as a 'provider')
    • not letting her know about or have access to family income
    Economic partnership
    • making money decisions together
    • making sure both of you benefit from financial arrangements and work arrangements
    Using economic abuse
    • preventing him from getting or keeping a job
    • making him ask for money
    • giving him a restricted or conditional 'allowance'
    • taking his money (including using him as a 'provider')
    • not letting him know about or have access to family income
    Using emotional abuse
    • putting her down
    • making her feel bad about herself
    • calling her names
    • making her think she’s crazy
    • playing mind-games
    • humiliating her
    • attempting to control her feelings
    • forcing her to control or deny what she feels
    • making her feel guilty
    Respect
  • listening to each other non-judgmentally
  • being emotionally affirming and understanding
  • valuing each others' opinions
  • Using emotional abuse
    • putting him down
    • making him feel bad about himself
    • calling him names
    • making him think he’s crazy
    • playing mind-games
    • humiliating him
    • attempting to control his feelings
    • forcing him to control or deny what he feels
    • making him feel guilty
    Using sexuality
    • acting as the 'owner' of her sexuality
    • ignoring or overriding her sexual choices, feelings or fears
    • denying or mocking her sexuality
    • promising or withholding sex to control or punish her
    • blaming her for sexual miscommunication
    • using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
    • assigning to her the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
    • misleading her about sexual safety and birth-control
    Sexual respect and trust
    • respecting each others' sexuality as real and natural
    • being open and honest with each other about sexual needs, desires, feelings and fears
    • being responsible with each other about safe sex and birth-control
    • negotiating mutually appropriate types and levels of sexual relationship
    Using sexuality
    • acting as the 'owner' of his sexuality
    • ignoring or overriding his sexual choices, feelings or fears
    • denying or mocking his sexuality
    • promising or withholding sex to control or punish him
    • blaming him for sexual miscommunication
    • using pornography or sexual/romantic fiction to justify sexual abuse
    • assigning to him the sole responsibility for sexual safety and birth-control
    • misleading him about sexual safety and birth-control
    Using privilege</a>
    • treating her like a servant
    • excluding her from making decisions that concern her ('making all the big decisions')
    • acting like her 'owner', assuming authority from social stereotypes
    • being the one to define male and female roles, or other social or familial roles
    Shared responsibility
    • mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
    • making family decisions together
    Using privilege
    • treating him like a servant
    • excluding him from making decisions that concern him ('making all the big decisions')
    • acting like his 'owner', assuming authority from social stereotypes
    • being the one to define male and female roles or other social or familial roles
    Using isolation
    • controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes
    • limiting her outside involvement
    • using jealousy or envy to justify actions against her
    Trust and support
    • supporting each others’ goals in life
    • respecting each others’ right to your own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
    Using isolation
    • controlling what he does, who he sees and talks to, what he reads, where he goes
    • limiting his outside involvement
    • using jealousy or envy to justify actions against him
    Using children</a>
    • making her feel guilty about the children
    • using the children to relay messages
    • using visitation to harass her
    • threatening to take the children away
    Responsible parenting
    • sharing parental responsibilities
    • being a positive non-violent role model for the children
    Using children
    • making him feel guilty about the children
    • using the children to relay messages
    • using visitation to harass him
    • threatening to take the children away
    Using others (third-party abuse)
    • spreading rumours about her
    • misinforming others (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about her life or actions
    • denigrating her natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
    • using others' stories to justify actions against her
    Social self-responsibility
    • being aware and honest with yourself, with each other, and with others
    • sharing social respect and social responsibility
    • creating trust with others and with the wider community
    • respecting each others' history, background and humanity
    Using others (third-party abuse)
    • spreading rumours about him
    • misinforming others (family, friends, colleagues, police, court, state agencies) about his life or actions
    • denigrating his natural groups (sex, nationality, race, birth-religion, etc.)
    • using others' stories to justify actions against him
    Minimising, denying and blaming
    • making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously
    • saying the abuse didn’t happen
    • shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
    • saying she caused it
    Honesty and accountability
    • accepting responsibility for self
    • acknowledging past use of violence and abuse
    • admitting being wrong
    • communicating openly and truthfully
    Minimising, denying and blaming
    • making light of the abuse and not taking his concerns about it seriously
    • saying the abuse didn’t happen
    • shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
    • saying he caused it

    Use this table to explore and assess your own abusive and/or violent behaviour, and your response to abusive and/or violent behaviours by others. Whether as nominal 'perpetrator' or nominal 'victim', your task is to empower yourself to change your own behaviour, to create the self-assertive and non-violent responses described in the central column of the table.

    Note: this table should only be used as a tool for self-assessment. It should never be used as a means to criticise others' behaviour without facing your own: to do so would be 'Minimising, denying and blaming', which - as described above - is an explicit act of abuse.